While we discuss the way the various attachment types fare in relationships with one another within my guide (Bad Boyfriends: utilizing Attachment Theory in order to avoid Mr. (or Ms.) incorrect), i did sonâ€™t enter great information, mostly since the guide is fond of those seeking to get as a relationship, perhaps not those wanting to cope with one they curently have. But we see there clearly was interest that is great making use of accessory concept and kinds to attempt to guide hard relationships to an even more protected and satisfying pattern, therefore hereâ€™s my (often speculative) take for each combination type:
Safe with Secure:
These partners may well have other issues (addiction, differences over money and investing, fairy-tale objectives), but on the entire they tend to communicate well and donâ€™t end up in the dysfunctional communication adultspace patterns as often since they are both Secure. Having their very own sense that is internal of makes them less self-centered, and enables greater empathy due to their partnerâ€™s feelings. A feeling of reasonableness and fairness makes every presssing problem they face a little better to face together, and relying upon one another is more frequently rewarded.
The Preoccupied one will test the persistence of this Secure one by requiring more communications of reassurance and edging toward anxiety as soon as the safe one canâ€™t respond quickly or reassuringly. This may have a tendency to drive the safe one toward a more Dismissive attachment style in interactionsâ€“despite possessing internal protection, the extortionate needs for the Preoccupied will make anybody less patient. If this dilemma is perhaps not too severe, the partner that is secure bring the Preoccupied partner further toward security by constant patient reassurance, even if the Preoccupied one has been unreasonable.
The safe partner will often feel alone in holding all the duty for the relationshipâ€™s stability that is emotional. In crisis, the Preoccupied will return to self-centeredness and anxiety, which will feel into the safe like partner flakeout. This problem will ease if the relationship does well and the Preoccupied grow more secure in time.
Dismissive-Avoidant with Secure:
The Dismissive will have a tendency to drive the protected partner toward accessory anxiety by failing continually to react well or after all to reasonable communications asking for reassurance. Much like the Preoccupied, an incredibly safe partner can slowly replace the insecure partner toward more safety, but at great price in persistence and energy. In the event that Dismissive recognizes the issue and takes some duty for attempting to react definitely even if he doesnâ€™t really feel just like it, this might slowly reorient the partner that is dismissive as pleasing partners interaction. The Secure partner knows someone better is out there and is not too afraid to give up on a losing relationship if this does not happen, a Secure is more likely to give up on the relationship and move on, since unlike the Preoccupied who often stick with bad relationships.
Fearful-Avoidant with Secure:
It has some similarities aided by the pairing that is dismissive-Secure however the lower self-esteem for the Fearful-Avoidant causes it to be much more likely she or he is the someone to leave the partnership whenever it becomes intimate and routine, considering that the closer they arrive at a genuine individual the greater amount of afraid they truly are of loss, and apparently rationalizing their exit as because of their partnerâ€™s flaws is less painful than they subconsciously imagine being refused by their partner will be.
Dismissive-Avoidant with Anxious-Preoccupied:
This will be a vintage durable but dysfunctional pairing. The 2 kinds (one attachment that is under-valuing one over-valuing accessory) create an interlocking dependency packed with anxiety and stress for both. The Dismissive may settle in for the long haul, while the Preoccupied partner is unhappy with settling for crumbs but sticks around out of fear of being alone, afraid of never finding another relationship because the Dismissive may actually prefer having his/her view of others as needy and clingy confirmed, and by the sense of controlling the relationship by doling out just enough responsiveness to keep the Preoccupied partner off-balance but in the hook.
This might be the most typical (2nd and then Secure-Secure) durable relationship kinds. More with this few kind: Anxious-Preoccupied / Dismissive-Avoidant Couples: the Silent Treatment, Anxious-Preoccupied: Stuck in the Dismissive?
Fearful-Avoidant with Anxious-Preoccupied:
Significantly just like the Dismissive-Preoccupied pairing, but less stable; the avoidant partner should be less confident with the constant demands for reassurance through the Preoccupied partner and you will be less likely to want to tolerate a lengthy relationship spent fending down closeness. In the event that avoidant partner permits genuine closeness to build up, that creates his / her anxiety; when they remain well away, the Preoccupied partner is supposed to be unhappy while increasing the degree of needs.
Anxious-Preoccupied with Anxious-Preoccupied:
A match that always ends defectively and quickly as neither partner is great at anticipating the requirements of the other. It is maybe maybe perhaps not impossible that two mildly Preoccupied people will connect and learn how to satisfy each security that is otherâ€™s, however it is uncommon.
Fearful-Avoidant with Dismissive-Avoidant:
Unusual, since neither avoidant type is excellent at good accessory. The fearful-Avoidant is not comfortable without intimacy and would find the Dismissiveâ€™s lack of positive messaging as anxiety-inducing as the other types while one might think both types would prefer to be with more distancing partners. Meanwhile, the Dismissive partner does not get just as much ego-boosting attention as he or she would from another kind, and thus this combination is less inclined to also get going.
Dismissive-Avoidant with Dismissive-Avoidant: